"APHRODITE - THE FIRST GREAT GREEK DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE "
Aphrodite, the Goddess who started it all, you know, the search for the ultimate aphrodisiac, was the...
The story of her creation is not for the faint hearted and is sort of grotesque and maybe even disgusting, but this is what the Greeks believed. If you aren't a good husband or daddy, this is the fate that awaits you. It seems that the god Uranus had made his wife very angry so she employed her Son, Chronus, to whack off his genitals with a sickle (Ugh!). Chronus then scooped them up and threw them into the sea. The legendary Aegean Sea most likely. Well, when you throw godly cohunes into the sea and they are still teeming with blood and semen, they create godly sea foam. This sea foam bobbed and bounded over the main for a few years. Out of the immortal sea foam, sprang Aphrodite, fully grown. On an oyster shell, no less! The most beautiful woman, god or mortal, in the universe. Every goddess in Olympia was jealous of her beauty. She was more beautiful than dawn breaking over a Greek island. Men melted at her feet like butter on a hot griddle. She was as natural as a bee swarm following their queen. Aphrodite is one of the oldest divinities and is associated with the creation of the world. She made landfall on the island of Cyprus where the Graces clothed her and decorated her with golden pendants, trinkets, bracelets, bangles, and anklets. She probably had a room full of all kinds of jewelry. Jewelry overflowing from jewelry boxes, chests, and closets. The Graces moved her to Mount Olympus, the home of the Greek Gods. She had lots of furniture, beds, chests, wardrobes, closets full of seductive clothing. They needed a moving guide like the one that my friend Dennis provides for global moves. The Graces were goddesses of charm, beauty, nature, human creativity and fertility There names were Aglaea (Beauty) Euphrosyne (Good Cheer), and Thalia (Festivities). Aphrodite’s main concerns were wedlock and the tender passions She also governs desire and sexuality.
Aphrodite loved water, beaches, coves and bathed in a natural spring in Boeotia. So you see, she created the first spa from which flow all manner of aphrodisiacs. She was the Goddess of sailors and boating through her intimate link to the waters of life. Even though Aphrodite was a Goddess and immortal, she still fell heir to the fatal attractions of the flesh :..
She loved men. And since Aphrodite was a goddess, she didn't need any aphrodisiacs; neither do those folks on Wisteria Lane.. She needed just the opposite, anaphrodisiacs, to crank down her libido. She slept around. That's putting it mildly. She was caught by her husband, Hephaestus, in bed with Ares, the God of War. Ares was furious. More about lusty Ares here. How did Poseidon save Hephaestus from embarrassment? Some would call this kind of behavior a problem, a neurosis, madness, even. Others might say, that's life, the real unvarnished truth about human nature. Yep, she was one crazy lady. The most beautiful, attractive women in the universe. Men melted like butter on a hot griddle at her glance. The other Goddesses hated her fatal beauty. She was a magnet for men. They fell swooning at her feet... How can you compete against those odds? The problem must have started in her childhood. Some trauma, perhaps, some bad thing that happened to her as a child. Perhaps, some dirty old God molested her. They were always fooling around and a beautiful young girl would have tempted them mightily for they were certainly one of the lustiest and horniest group of pedophiles in the annuls of time and we are talking way back. BEFORE JESUS CHRIST WAS BORN WAY BEFORE! But wait... This goddess never had a childhood. She was created, fully-grown, from the immortal sea-foam left floating in the sea from the castration of Uranus by his son Chronus....
We can't blame it on her childhood... Aphrodite was a very naughty lady and she didn't even live on Wisteria Lane... Her father tried to solve the problem by marrying her off. Unfortunately, the only eligible bachelor at the time was a cripple... He was a blacksmith by trade. He had angered his father, Zeus. Zeus threw him down Mount Olympus. It took several days for him to reach earth. Hepheastus broke his leg in the fall and was crippled for life. Now you would think, they being Gods and all that a broken leg could be fixed with the pass of a hand. It must have been that Zeus was still mad and censored all illegitimate hand passing, except under Aphrodite's nighty. Anyhoo, Aphrodite must have been really pissed when she found out she had to marry a cripple, even though he was the best, most talented blacksmith in the universe. He could create anything out of metal. Even a girdle. Imagine that, a magic metal girdle. And a magic metal net that could capture gods and goddesses. The only way to stop her from fooling around was to trap her in a net. I guess that's what made her the Desperate Housewife of the gods. But even a goddess needs lingerie. Even when she is the most irresistible woman in the universe. When things got too hot and heavy, the Goddess would retire to her spring in Boeotia. She created a spa at this spring. She took the waters, relaxed, laid back and enjoyed the warm water bubbling out of the ground from some subterranean passageway. The world is your oyster - where do you want to go?!
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